I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he told me I talked like a deaf person
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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