i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
