Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize