my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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