Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
