you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
