I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
