Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
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