i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
