I bet he comes in French.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
