a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
