im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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