Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
