I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
