god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just fell off a train. Bad.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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