Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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