she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
