I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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