the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
