Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
