No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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