She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
