Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
