apparently the secret to your success is patron
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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