he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
