tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
