I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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