I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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