I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
