There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
