don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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