I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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