Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
