I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Randomize