I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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