Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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