Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Randomize
