I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
