she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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