i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
