you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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