so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize