What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
