If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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