my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
