Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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