I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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