i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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