You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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