Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize