yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
