I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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