We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
