Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize