I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
