I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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