Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
