so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you have to choose: penises or morals?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
