sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
