well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
