Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
