I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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