my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
It's Friday. Sex?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
