definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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