The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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