He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
