Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
