Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize