I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
ttyl tear gas
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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