Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
