Farmville is her only friend.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
