I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
