Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
vagina is talking i cant
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
