You really coming over, don't trick.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
