Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
