Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
