just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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