I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
