In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
