Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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