ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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